Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
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I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god