sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
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My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf