[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
huge if true: the moon
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.