(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
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If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared