Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
😅🤣😂
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You