Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
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I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting