i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I’m about to risk it all
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors