(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
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Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Previously On Persistence 😎
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
watergate? u mean a dam??
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.