Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*