Uh oh…
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.