I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
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If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣