I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.