dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Knock Knock
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
🙅🏻
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.