Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
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the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date