USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
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I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.