If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
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To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.