Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
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Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My apartment is a mess, I should move
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*