*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
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I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.