I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
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Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I know karate and tons of other words.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Morning my dudes.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases