knights of the ikea table
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I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Anime is real
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.