“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
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(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?