We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
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I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Two types of dogs.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
o shit
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train