My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
You Might Also Like
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?