When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?