I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
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my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.