“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
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Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking