Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
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What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
i’m sure it’s fine
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened