I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
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[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot