[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
You Might Also Like
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎