A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
You Might Also Like
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.