acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
B
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Before & after 😅
Butt weight. There’s more!
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.