*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
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I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
You know…for fall…
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.