Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
So creative 😂
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze