Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
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Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Not today. 😅
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]