Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
You Might Also Like
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Smile they said.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer