thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
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A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
They’re on their honeymoon
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”