we’re dead?
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When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
was Jim off killing horses or…
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille