[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
That’s fair
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Pass gas, not judgment.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing