Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.