Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
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I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Danger is very dangerous
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My first son he is wonderful
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no