Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
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Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!