I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless