How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
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4: can I have a snack?
Me: it鈥檚 almost time for dinner.
4: if it鈥檚 not dinner time, it鈥檚 snack time.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn鈥檛 make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Ugh I can鈥檛 stand him. I鈥檓 not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it鈥檚 painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
馃ぃ馃槶 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it鈥檚 still today
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 馃槏
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 馃憤.
Me: Soooo it鈥檚 our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent鈥檚 shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…