Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
reminder
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!