Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
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BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.