Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending