[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
You Might Also Like
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.