There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
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These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.