*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
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Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me too 😆
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.