I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
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The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Haha good job!!
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.